PDD Attack

I'm not sure why, but I have been missing Disney all day. I always miss it but today has been particularly bad.

I saw a status today from a girl who I was on the CP with that said something along the lines of "today is my first day as full time and tomorrow is my one year anniversary with Disney." I'm not even going to try and lie. I am incredibly jealous of this person. She went to the extension auditions, got pulled for face, and now works in Entertainment. If that isn't a reason for me to be jealous then the fact that she is now FT in entertainment is. I know of another CP that I had chatted with before arriving in Orlando that is now part-time and a GT (I'm not entirely sure what that is but it is some sort of sub-management role, perhaps like a Entertainment Captain...). I am jealous of her too.

I am jealous of everyone that stayed in Orlando. I don't regret coming back to Austin and SEU. I know I am better off for coming back to finish my degree. I can't tell you how many people, including multiple managers, who told me to go back and finish my degree. Don't stay and get sucked in. I know that happens so much too. One manager in particular, Jeremy (my NSYNC connection lol), said that CPs stay, they get sucked in, and never finish their degrees. They end up as a Disney cog. I have far bigger ambitions than being a cog in the Disney machine. Maybe I am vain and full of myself but I think I am far better than that. So while I am jealous of those two, and really all of the people that I know that stayed in Orlando, I know that I did what was best for me.

In other anxious Marion because of Disney news...

I know absolutely no one wants or cares to hear  about this topic but oh well. Its my blog.  Any time I think about auditioning to be a performer I get all anxious. I want to pass and be a performer so bad. The first time I auditioned I honestly was just so confident and excited and didn't have any idea what I was getting myself into. It was a impulse decision to audition and I went into thinking, I'm for sure going to pass. The second time I had a better idea of what I was getting myself into. I knew it was competitive, but I still thought I can do this. I went in so hopeful due to an email I got after  I auditioned the first time, which looking back at now, I'm not sure it means what I thought it did. And I was so excited because I knew even if I didn't pass I would be going on a CP and that was just so amazing.

This time around I am so very aware of how few people pass the audition and are accepted as CP performers. I know exactly what I am going up against and what I am getting myself into. And since I have done a CP already that consolation prize isn't quite as sweet. Each time I have auditioned it has become that much more important to me to pass. After working with performers for 7.5 months I want it so bad it makes me anxious to think about auditioning. I want to be confident and sure that I will pass. I want to allow myself to day dream about finding out I am a performer and then getting to tell everyone. But I just can't let myself. I'm still to anxious and unsure. And that just sucks.

I think having so many performer friends is a bit of a curse at this point. I know I can do what they do. I am as confident in that as I am in my academic abilities (which is a whole lotta confidence. I'm a bit smug in my school abilities). On days like today I see their facebook statuses, pictures, and videos and it just makes me sad/jealous/hopeful/ack!

Its obviously just been one of those days. Can it just be 2011 already so I can get this process started again?


-M